Seeking nothing /3

One has to grow into that state where she seeks nothing for herself but takes whatever comes to pass as the thing most desired.

whatever comes to pass as the thing most desired

...whatever comes to pass as the thing most desired

I know this series of seeking nothing posts seem to be all about something I’m seeking but I think that’s good because it’s only when I see my own contradictions that I really learn something about myself. Carl Jung often said (can’t you tell I’m a big fan of CG Jung!?) that it is in maintaining the tension of the opposites that we become more conscious. “The greater the tension, the greater is the potential. Great energy springs from a correspondingly great tension of opposites.” (Carl Jung) You could say that I clearly understand the spiritual value of not seeking but emotionally and intellectually I’m resistant. The tension arises because it’s not enough for me to do what it is I really love doing. It’s also important that others love what I am doing too. I think part of being human is feeling like one belongs and I have never felt that I belonged anywhere. I have always felt like an exile. I have been an exile so long that I no longer know where home is. I think it’s my Solomon complex!

My good friend D who gave me this blog (thanks to Mo!) is similar to me. I suppose that is why he is my best friend. He has been working on a novel for years. It’s called Nobody: An Autobiography ©. I hope he doesn’t mind my telling you but I think it’s great title. It sounds like a book about me but he says that it’s a book about all of us. He doesn’t let anyone but me read the manuscript. In the earlier drafts he showed it to a few friends but stopped doing that because he said that he began to think too much about what others thought. He did say that other than me (who D says doesn’t count in the same way as others because he says we are so close that I may as well be a part of him which was a sweet thing to say don’t you think?) the only person who read a part of it and really understood what he was trying to do was Mo. He said that because of her his favorite word is wafting. He says that Mo helped him to believe in what he was doing during times when he found it very hard to believe, that Mo helps a lot of artists believe in what they are doing. He says she is an angel sent to administer to wafting artistic souls.

(I almost feel jealous in a friendly kind of way because I too would love to have someone who felt that way about my writing. D tells me to be patient, that for now I have him and I can’t tell you how much that means to me! If I told you it would require a string of ‘verys’ from here to the moon.)

[One day I will write an entire book in parenthesis.]

What I wanted to say about D is that even after all these years of working on his book he still isn’t convinced that anyone will want to read it. I can tell you that in my rather humble opinion it is a beautiful book. I am sure others will want to read it. It’s one of those special kinds of books, not meant for everyone so I don’t think it will make him famous (but like me he doesn’t have the time to be famous,) but I just know that those who will love it will really love it. (Maybe one day he will let me share some extracts of his book here? What do you think D?) For now, just like me, he keeps doing what he loves to do and hopes some day others will love it too.

Sophia is the central pivot of creation and represents the feminine aspect in all things. She is Wisdom Incarnate, the Goddess of all those who are wise.

The Great Mother Sophia is the central pivot of creation and represents the feminine aspect in all things. She is Wisdom Incarnate, the Goddess of all those who are wise.

I’ll tell you one more secret about D which he will probably be angry with me for revealing but I think it says a lot about who he is. Every day before he begins writing he gets on his knees and prays to the Great Mother to give him the strength and courage to do what it is he really loves doing. Sometimes it is very hard to do what we really love to do when we’re the only ones telling ourselves to do it. Thinking of D on his knees praying to the Great Mother (D says that though God has no gender it helps him to pray to someone and that so far as he is concerned the world has had enough of male gods.) makes me think of the 20th poem in Stephen Mitchell’s Tao Te Ching:

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.

And this brings me back to seeking nothing for myself and taking whatever comes to pass as the thing most desired. It is important to share what we do with others and hopefully others will love what we do but if I seek the approval of others while I am doing what it is that I love to do I know I will fail. I need to do what I need to do without any attachment to outcome and that is very hard. Why does it seem so easy for some to strike that balance between loving what they do and having others who love what they do? Is it just a matter of talent, because I have no problem accepting that others have a lot more talent than me, but I wonder if it is also something else. That makes me wonder about fate and whether or not it’s personal and what’s the relationship of fate to destiny? But if I begin to get into fate & destiny this post will go on forever. Maybe next time? For now I will keep doing what I love to do and trying to learn how to not seek anything in return.


4 Comments so far
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I don’t know if you’ll see this, because it’s a couple of years since you last appear to have posted here, but perhaps you’ll be told by the blog that I’ve written here. I chanced upon your blog just today and it seemed quite apt because you remind me a bit of William Blake, who I’ve also been reading about today. He said, “The Man who never in his Mind & thoughts traveld to Heaven is no Artist,” and you speak of heaven, and of art and remind me of this, and it makes me like you. Also, you remind me a bit of myself, with your existephobia and your desire for a house amongst birch trees – your evocation of what this house would be like struck me particularly wonderfully.

Is your friend still working on his “Nobody” book? It sounds interesting.

I hope that your writing and your self are well.

Comment by S.

It has been so long since i came to this blog that i will need to reread everything to remember what i wrote. thank you so much for your kind words. they mean a lot to me. i continue to feel … i would say even more deeply … that being an artist means exploring the deepest questions, to evolve not only as someone creative but as someone spiritual. in fact more and more i realize that every problem i have is essentially a spiritual problem. i am busy beginning a new work, untitled so far, that focuses mostly upon this challenge we have as spiritual beings to find purpose and meaning in our lives. i think it is our main work. and it is our hardest!

My friend D did complete Nobody and although he had some encouraging feedback from several editors and publishers, no one was willing to take it on. He is not discouraged. he feels it is more important to keep creating new work and perhaps lone day someone will be willing to turn Nobody into a printed book.

if you want tell me a little more about yourself. are you a writer too? Blake is such a marvellous human being. I am indebted to him as i am indebted to so many. who are you reading now?

be well

Comment by carin

I am sorry to hear that nobody was willing to take on Nobody. Would it be possible to get a small number of copies independently printed? I like taking pinhole photographs, and my friend said that if I got together a collection of good ones, she could get it printed in a nicely bound book (she likes books as objects) – only a dozen or so copies, but enough to send out into the world. Maybe something like that is not what your friend would like, it just seemed like a fitting birth for a book called Nobody (I don’t mean that it doesn’t deserve a wide readership, but the self-producing nature, springing from nowhere without going through the publisher’s process). I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about the book to have any place to go suggesting things – but the concept excites me and it sounds like something I’d like to read.

I’m not a writer, I’m too afraid of anyone seeing what I write, which is daft really, and cowardly. I used to write when I was younger, but now I tear something up as soon as I write it for fear of someone finding it. I’ve been wondering what I should do, because my head’s jammed up with stuff and I have little talent for art, or writing music. Maybe I should write in a secret code.

My favourite author at the moment is Denton Welch. Have you heard of him? He’s not very well known, and I don’t know if he’s known at all outside of Britain. He lived in the early part of the twentieth century and wrote only a few books in which not much “happens” but they’re beautifully told, and he feels to me a kindred spirit. If you can find any of his books I would recommend them. I’m also reading Puck of Pook’s Hill, by Rudyard Kipling.

What are your ideas on finding meaning and purpose? I’ve recently finished university and have no idea how to go about the rest of my life. Somehow, any sort of job feels like it would take the life-ness out of things (if that makes sense), but what I am doing at the moment is nothing, which feels equally life-less, if it were to continue indefinitely. I am trying to work out what I want to do before just doing anything, but maybe that’s the wrong track because doing comes secondarily to being, so I should – oh I don’t know. It is very hard! What, for you, are the deepest questions? – if indeed you know and they aren’t intangible or yet unknown.

Best wishes.

Comment by S.

i sent you an email response to your latest comment above. let me know if you received it. sometimes those things go into spam. i can always post it here or you could email me at

thank you again for your kindness and trust.
be well

Comment by carin

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