my name is carin dupin.
February 14, 2009, 15:08
Filed under: My name is Carin Dupin

Hi, my name is carin dupin and welcome to Personne.

peeing in my underwearI feel like I did when I was in grade 3 standing for the first (and last!) time on the school stage about to read a poem I had written (it was parents night so ALL the parents were there) and because of the bright lights I couldn’t see anyone in the audience but I could hear them breathing and squirming in their chairs and clearing their throats as they sat waiting to hear me make a fool of myself. It was too much. I peed in my underwear and walked off without reading my poem. I went home and burned the poem and swore never to step foot on a stage again. Until today.

I know this isn’t the same as a real stage but it feels like a stage. It’s me alone speaking (writing) in a public place. And it’s not a small stage in a small school in a small town. It’s the World Wide Web which makes me think of spiders. I use to be terrified of spiders. I’m not so terrified anymore. Freud said that arachnophobia is a fear of being devoured by the mother. I’ve spent most of my life being afraid of mothers. My mother was always trying to devour me. I never felt that I was good enough. If Freud is right than that is most likely why I peed in my underwear. I knew that somewhere out there beyond the lights in the blackness was my mother sitting there like a spider waiting for the moment when I got myself all tangled in her web of crooked love. If you knew a spider was about to eat you I think you might pee in your underwear too! That is why I have decided to do this. To get over my fear of being eaten. So far so good! At least I haven’t peed in my underwear yet. That may be because I can’t hear you breathing.

I’m not in the habit of making New Year’s resolutions. I think it is because I tend to make resolutions every morning which I break before night fall. New Year’s day is just another day, another chance to resolve to do something that I’ll stop doing by the end of the day. But this year for reasons that aren’t yet clear to me I decided to make a New Year resolution. The thing is that I didn’t make my decision on New Year’s Day, I made it on the Chinese New Year instead. Since this is the year of the Ox and I have a tendency to be bull-headed it felt appropriate. I made two resolutions: to live more joy and to start blogging. One reason I like the idea of a New Year resolution is that it gives me a whole year to pull off the resolve instead of only a day. I resolved to blog to see if I could stand on a stage without making a fool of myself and I resolved to live more joy because I have never been very good at enjoying my life. I believe that the key to life is joy and not being afraid of anything, including spiders! If I meet someone who is full of joy and not afraid of anything I feel like I’m meeting someone who is really alive. I think if I had more joy in my life I would be a better human being. I tend to take things far too seriously! I think anyone who has ever known me would agree. And I believe if I can manage to be less serious I will no longer pee in my underwear.

My good friend D has been urging me to blog for a long time. Whenever he said the word blog it didn’t ‘sound’ like a very pleasant thing for one friend to urge another friend to do but I knew his intentions were good. A while back D’s very good friend Mo created this blog for him. It was Mo who came up with the name Personne. After making one post to the blog D ran out of things to write. When I told him about my resolution he told me that he wanted me to have his blog. I hope Mo doesn’t mind? D has this way of getting me to do things that I don’t think I want to do but then when I do them I realize that he was right.

The word ‘blog’ is so ugly it’s beautiful! The name comes from Joe Bloggs (c.1969) and was British slang for “any hypothetical person” an equivalent of Joe Blow. In a way that’s perfect given that my blog is called Personne. That means that I’m a hypothetical person. I may or may not exist. I like that. I suppose you will never know for sure!

Hi, my name is Carin Bloggs and this is Personne.


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