Personne


Seeking nothing /1
March 22, 2009, 15:42
Filed under: Seeking nothing | Tags: , , , , ,

One has to grow into that state where she seeks nothing for herself but takes whatever comes to pass as the thing most desired.

That’s one of my favorite quotes. I don’t know who wrote it. It sounds like something from the I Ching. It’s stuck up in the place of honor, directly above my computer at eye level. It reminds me to be here now. I need to be reminded to be here now because I’m rarely here now. Where I am seems to be evenly divided between where I was and where I think I will be. My brain does everything it can to avoid being here now and yet when I am here now all my problems disappear and everything feels right and good. You’d think I would want to be nowhere else but here now but obviously a bigger me then me doesn’t agree.

A lot of people think Eckhart Tolle is the one who came up with the idea to be here now but he is just repeating what great sages have been saying ever since great sages started saying anything. I first found out about being here now with Baba Ram Dass‘s Be Here Now. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like Tolle,

eckhart

Alfred

Eckhart & Alfred


even if he does remind me of Alfred E. Newman. I think the way he tells us to be here now is in a way that we need to hear it now and I also think what he and Oprah did together was truly amazing.

Tolle & Oprah tête-à-tête

Tolle & Oprah tête-à-tête

If you want to be here now you should listen to their dialogue. It’s free. But back to here and now and seeking nothing.

I rarely seek nothing and almost nothing of what I do seek works out. Most of the time I am seeking to be anywhere else but here and be anyone else than who I am. I’ll give you an example. Today when I woke up I wrote in my journal:

There’s been a mistake. This isn’t what I ordered. My life wasn’t suppose to be this way.

Then right away another voice asked:

And just how do you suppose your life was suppose to be?

[I don’t know about you but I have a lot of voices in my head and they rarely agree with one another.]

The first voice answered the second voice:

I don’t really know.

But then another voice jumped in and said that it knew precisely how my life was suppose to be.

I was suppose to be doing something that I love and I was suppose to be good enough at what I do that others would also love what I do; and because others love what I do they would love me; and because they love me I would be invited to meet all the people whom I’ve ever dreamed of meeting–people like Christian Bobin, Nancy Huston, Anne Michaels, Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn whom I adore,

Sean & Robin

My would-be friends Sean & Robin

Juliette Binoche, Daniel Day-Lewis, Jami Sieber, Leonard Cohen, the Dalai Lama, Richard Tarnas, Wolfgang Giegerich, Barak Obama just to mention a few. [You can see that how I suppose my life should be is far from modest!] And there was suppose to be many many more whom I don’t know yet but whom I was suppose to know because after they fell in love with what I do they would fall in love with me. I was suppose to eat at their tables and be included in their conversations. We were suppose to go for long walks and talk about how marvelous it is to be doing what it is we love to do.

I think what this voice is saying is that when you do something that you love and others love what you do, your work will wander the globe as your soul’s diplomatic envoy introducing you to fascinating people who you would love to meet and who would love to meet you and whom you would never have met otherwise. That is how I always imagined my life would be but that is not how it turned out. Instead after a long long time I am just beginning to do what it is I love to do but so far there is no one else who loves what I do so consequently I don’t know many people and the people I would love to meet don’t know who I am.

But supposing how my life should have been is hardly seeking nothing for myself. If I did intentionally seek such a life I know that I would never find it. It’s not the kind of thing you can force from life. It either happens or it doesn’t. That’s very clear to me and yet nonetheless ever since I was a kid I thought my life would be like I supposed it would be. I don’t know where it came from but I really felt that that was how my life would be. I was sure that one day I would do something I really love doing and that others would love what I do and that because they loved what I do they would also love me. It wasn’t about fame. It was about love. Lots and lots of love! However, for a lot of reasons I don’t yet understand, my life didn’t turn out that way. You can begin to see why a quote about seeking nothing for myself would mean so much to me!

Sometimes I imagine that in a recent life I was the person I think I was suppose to be in this life and that because I got all caught up egotistically in the fame and the power and abused my privilege, my karma this time around is to learn humility by being a simple ordinary human being. That I can remember how it was to live my life the way I suppose it should have been feels like living my life with my hands tied. I feel like Solomon when he was lost in the desert, alone, anonymous and desolate, with a dim memory of the time when he was a great King. Somewhere deep inside I know that I was a great Queen and all I need to get back to being a Queen is to find my ring but I lost it and I don’t know how to get it back. If I told this to anyone who knows me now, that I’m really a great Queen

Lady Lilith, my favourite Queen

Lady Lilith, my favourite Queen

who has been forced by Asmodeus to live the life of nobody, they would laugh. And I wouldn’t blame them for laughing because I’m not a Queen; I’m only a simple ordinary girl who dreams of being a Queen. [I can say this to you because when I blog I’m only a hypothetical person so that when you laugh it will only be a hypothetical laugh.] I know that I am who I am because I need to learn how to be nobody. I need to do whatever I do for the simple pleasure of doing it and not because of how famous it will make me, or rich or powerful or how much others will love me for what I love doing. I am learning to live life for the sake of living, to grow as a human being for the sake of growing and not because of anything I seek. Only in this way will whatever comes to pass be what I most desire.




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